Everyone has skeletons in their closets. As for me, I prefer to tuck these skeletons as far in as possible. Ever since I was a primary school student, I have been conciously trying to forget about the past, forget whatever memories I have acrued. I am literally someone who just lets the past slide, which might seem like a rather carefree way to live life.
Unfortunately, I do so because of the wrong reason, I just want to forget whatever unpleasantness I am feeling. Notice that I mentioned that I have been like this since primary school, which coincided with a very angsty phase of my life, where I was ostracised by my (mostly female) schoolmates. Suffice to say, life was not very pleasant when people keep picking on your weaknesses or being nasty to you.
What started as a defense mechanism evolved into something else as time went by, I casually forget for the past few years simply because it is easier to do so than to remember. A fountain of youth for the mind if you like, since I feel that memories 'age' someone in mind and soul. Consequently, I am now not good with names or faces.
Even though my early childhood happened way before any of this, it was also retroactively affected. I found that out during my psyche test some time ago, when the teacher-counsellor asked whether I remember anything from my childhood that might have triggered a blank. To my slight surprise, I drew a blank, a total blank. The real surprise was that deep down inside, my emotions were just as blank about this.
In spite of my efforts, my memories do not stay buried forever though. Sometimes when I do something, a certain memory is triggered. It does not even have to be something special, even a routine walk might dredge up something from my sea of memories. Same goes for the memory too, it can just be something normal and boring I did when I was a child. These memories that occasionally resurface are also just as quickly forgotten. But like teachers from another age, they never fail to offer some insight into what I have been, and guidance about what I should do. Things that I did without a second thought when I was really young suddenly seemed so childish and pointless.
Having typed all that, I still feel like a mere observer in my life. Pointless huh?
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