2007 reasons to despair

Ok I lied, it is not humanly possible to list out that many reasons to despair, not to mention no human being would survive that many too, which would have required me to be currently in the state of a vengeful spirit, which would bring untold mayhem to those still in the living world.

Nevertheless I did have quite a few reasons that have given me quite a lot of grief and sadness. And since people do not seem to like to read about happy stuff, I will make a list of thing that have made me experience unhappiness of varying degrees. Yes people, this is my list of failures in the year 2007. They may have happened in 2007 or may have been pre-existent and simply entended themselves into 2007.

1) The failures in things I am passionate about. I failed in my running. I wanted to make an impact in races. But in spite of my best efforts, I never could really make a breakthrough as a winner. Most of it is my fault, I was distracted and didn't have the will to gut it out in training or when racing.

I failed in my writing too, or more specifically my blogging. For most of the year, I was discouraged and felt lethargic when it comes to blogging and didn't update my blog for more than half a year. And when I did feel like blogging again, I failed all over again, and faced the very same pre-hiatus problem, lack of readers. Though I don't really expect any material gain from my blog, it is ego bruising to find noone interested in what you have to say.

2) The failures in things I am less passionate about. They may not be my favourites, but these are the things that matter, at least that's what everybody says. I failed in my studies. Not totally failed, I hope, but I didn't do justice to what I could have done. Throughout the year I just slacked and blamed it on a lack of interest in the subjects. By choosing Form 6 I have damned 2 years of my life to waste, with a few more uncertain ones to come.

I failed to drive. Despite getting my drivers license for quite a while now, I have not really mastered driving. I made excuses when my parents asked me to practice, and I still do now. To be honest, this due to cowardice. Yes, I am afraid of driving on the road. A few close calls during my first drive after getting my license was the reason, even though that was a long time ago.

3) The failure to be a good person. I failed to be myself. Certain situations cropped up and I resorted to wearing a mask to face them. I betrayed my what I stood for in favour of more popular choices.

I failed to be good family. I was a lousy family member, never caring enough, and never bothering to listen. There was tension with my parents, and most of it were due to failure number 2.

I failed to control myself. In temper, in desire for material things, and in emotions. I blew my top more often than I would like, and I still get angry more easily than I hope. I couldn't control my urge to buy new shoes too, and have used up quite a sum on them.

4) I failed in love. I couldn't get the girl I want, even though I had liked her for so many years. Opportunity cropped up time and again, about once every fortnight, but I didn't take it. Most seemed like a gift from the heavens, I chose the hell of doing nothing instead. In hindsight, it was fear and lack of courage (yes, they are different). I feared that anything I do will move her further away from me. I feared that whatever I did would scare her off. Instead of acknowledging the problem, I made excuses to myself, like she is too busy interacting with her family or that she seemed to be preoccupied with something else. I guess I am a liar to myself too. Though I don't think she reads this blog, I will not be more specific in describing her. Precisely because I fear.

In regards to 2007 being over, I will feel no small measure of relief. I hope that come new year 2009, my list will be reduced.